It’s been a while since I wrote anything. It’s been a crappy few months and nothing was flowing! I was struggling to get my anxiety under control at the beginning of February and then I was hit by the worst flu bug in a long time (or probably more likely I was just in a bad, run down, low thyroid place, and I was an easy target for a bug!). It totally knocked me off my feet for a couple of weeks and I was beginning to think (once again!) that I would never get better. But by the end of February I was starting to recover, although I was still having bits of anxiety, albeit a bit more manageable.
I had to shift my diet around again as I had been eating a lot of melon, which I absolutely love, but I was getting cold feet/hands/nose and I just could not get my temperature to come up at all. Then my bladder started acting up (like a bladder infection) and I started peeing every half hour. I tried adding more salt to everything but it didn’t make much of a difference, I was still cold (although my anxiety was a bit more under control). So I pondered what to do (and had a few conversations with Sarah) and decided to add some starch back in. I started having a bit of rice with each meal but also having something sweet with each meal, such as tinned peaches and meringue nest, so that my carbs were coming half from starch and half from sugar.
I had to take it easy when adding in the sugar as too much would easily overwhelm me. I had terrible hypoglycemia and too much sugar would make my blood sugar swing all over the place, even though I always have protein and fat with my meals. If I overdid the sugar I would feel starving hungry an hour after eating, but it was a weird hunger and if I went with it and ate more then I just wouldn’t sleep at night. So I paced myself and made sure I ate roughly every 3 hours, even if I was starving after an hour! The feeling would pass, I assume when my blood sugar sorted itself out. So I started just by having a bit of fruit & sugar after meals. Then I started to add in the odd milky coffee with sugar. I made Billy’s ‘no flour chocolate cake’ and had that as a pudding sometimes. Gradually throughout March, things started to improve. One of the defining moments was when I went to the pictures with a friend to see ‘Hidden Figures’. I was wondering what to do about my eating schedule, as I was still having a bit of rice with each meal but didn’t want to take a full on meal to the pictures! So I decided to take some of my chocolate cake and some homemade orange jelly. Now, I’ve not been able to drink orange juice for quite some time as, for reasons unknown, it would just kick off my anxiety and I’d feel awful. However, I decided to make it into a jelly and see what happened! So I boldly took my cake and orange juice into the pictures with me and tucked into it whilst watching the best film I’ve seen in a long time! As I drove home I cried! I must’ve looked a right mess but I didn’t care, I was so happy! It probably seems ridiculous but it felt like such a defining moment to me. To have eaten cake & jelly, no potatoes or rice (!!) and had no anxiety at all was just fantastic! It felt like it was opening the doors to a sort of normality again, whereby I could eat snacks without cooking all the time or panicking about what I would eat.
I’ve also started to keep a journal. It feels kind of weird at the moment as I don’t always feel like I have a lot of thoughts to write down! Lol! My mind has been awfully fuzzy for a while and it’s been hard to even think about things. Slowly though, my mind is coming back to life. I’m even starting to get back into my research so I can finish the paper I was writing last year! Even better, I feel excited by it again. I have a whole stack of books that I can’t wait to get through too! (I love trees!)
Today I tidied because I felt like tidying! Over the last few months I’ve tidied because either someone is coming round, or because it’s felt so bad I feel like my house would be condemned!! Today I had energy. I also managed to do some gardening in the sunshine. Only for half an hour, then I stopped because I got tired, and I sat in the sun and relaxed (it was warm enough to put my bikini on!). I have to remind myself that there is no race to get things done. Even though I’m starting to feel better and gain energy, that energy gets used up quickly! Today I danced around my kitchen and sang along to ‘Play that funky music’ (hopefully I didn’t upset the neighbours!!) and I felt more alive than I have done in ages. I’ve not had any anxiety for a week or two now and my sleep has been consistently good as well!
To give you an idea of what I am eating and what supplements I’m taking, then a typical day might look something like:
Breakfast – 9am scrambled eggs & rice followed by tinned peaches, meringue nest and a little cream. Supplements: Vit D/K2 , thyroid
Dinner – 12 Beef casserole, butternut squash & rice, followed by apricots, meringue nest & cream, and a small cup of milky coffee. Supplements: Aspirin, B1, B3, thyroid
Afternoon snack – 3pm Chocolate cake & orange jelly. Supplements: thyroid
Tea – 6pm Prawns in a sauce with rice, followed by chocolate cake and ice cream, a small cup of milky coffee. Supplements: Thyroid, aspirin
Supper – 9pm Cod, rice and carrot & swede mash, followed by masa harina cookies. Supplements: Thyroid, progesterone & vitamin E
Breakfast – 9am scrambled eggs & rice followed by tinned peaches, meringue nest and a little cream. Supplements: Vit D/K2 , thyroid
Dinner – 12 Beef casserole, butternut squash & rice, followed by apricots, meringue nest & cream, and a small cup of milky coffee. Supplements: Aspirin, B1, B3, thyroid
Afternoon snack – 3pm Chocolate cake & orange jelly. Supplements: thyroid
Tea – 6pm Prawns in a sauce with rice, followed by chocolate cake and ice cream, a small cup of milky coffee. Supplements: Thyroid, aspirin
Supper – 9pm Cod, rice and carrot & swede mash, followed by masa harina cookies. Supplements: Thyroid, progesterone & vitamin E
I aim to have around 2500 calories each day. If I’m thinking hard (about my research or anything else!) then I snack on foam lobsters or bananas from M&S!! Lol! People forget, or just don’t know/think about, how much glucose your brain will use in response to you using it!! Over time I hope to reduce the rice and increase the simple sugars, such as fruits, juice, jelly etc. and to increase the amount of dairy/calcium I have. Slowly slowly!
This works for me, for now! It may not work next week or for other people. You need to find what foods work best for you. Same with the supplements. I didn’t just start taking thyroid with each meal. I started having just a tiny bit with one meal and worked my way up from there. After a long time (and a lot of lessons! Lol!) I’ve realised it really is better to make small changes!
I’ve also had to try hard to change my thinking about food and the connection to anxiety. Just trying to eat a bigger variety of foods without worrying about triggering my anxiety was quite hard at first but I did it in baby steps! Sarah also gave me some ideas to deal with the anxiety when it appears, things like ‘ha breathing’ with have been very useful. Gradually I’ve been able to relax more. Working with Sarah is great as it gives me the opportunity to talk things out, and she helped me to realise that I’d been looking for a magic food to save me, which obviously wasn’t going to happen, and that no one meal is going to make or break my healing process. Honestly, the amount of strange ideas/thought patterns I had in my head was crazy, and I used to be constantly checking to see if the last meal had made my skin go shiny or if it looked like my water retention might have gone down a bit (it hadn’t!!). Just becoming aware of the things I was doing was a good first step, and since then I’ve been more and more successful at stopping, or at least calming down, some of those behaviours! I’m a work in progress! Sometimes I forget and I’ll catch myself checking again, then I remind myself to calm down, relax, and things will get better when they get better! Also, I remind myself that things are already so much brighter than they were just one month ago!
It's just so nice to feel like I'm joining the human race again! To feel like I'm not too tired to do things and to be able to focus on books & research again. Hurrah! No doubt there'll be more ups & downs & setbacks along the way but for now I'll take the win!! The fact that my sleep has been better consistently and that my anxiety has pretty much gone tells me that I'm on the right track, for now at least.
As always, I hope you've enjoyed my ramblings! Your health is unique to you so you need to experiment until you find the things that work for you. It's taken me a long time to get to this point, but I've veered off the path a lot and learnt a lot of things along the way! It's not all about the nutrition either (although that plays a big part). Learning to relax and not fear the anxiety has been a big thing for me. I've often just sat at my table, not doing much, for fear of the anxiety coming back. That's not a good place to be in! So I've learnt (am learning still!) to not let the anxiety define me, and that I can acknowledge the feeling and still go about my day. Is it easy? No, definitely not. But can it be done? Absolutely!
"You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them."
Maya Angelou
Maya Angelou
If you have any questions, comments or stories to share, then pop them down below. I always love to hear from you. Take care, and remember this is just me 'thinking out loud'. x
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